The Miss Soul Society Contest
by Huffelpuffs Are Good Finders
Summary: What would happen if Soul Society decided to have a contest to see who the prettiest/ most talented girl is? Who would win? Find out with me, your host, Kisuke Urahara. This is a completely crack fanfiction.
1. Men in the Contest?

**AN: I don't own Bleach! Things would be so different if I did...**

"Ladies and gentlemen today we are here for our first annual Miss Soul Society Contest! I, Kisuke Urahara will be your host, if everyone could please forget that right now I'm banished. The rules of the contest are simple. Each girl will have a chance to go on stage, say her name, and do something interesting. After all the girls have gone our three wonderful judges, Shunsui Kyoraku, Toshiro Hitsugaya, and Gin Ichimaru, will discuss which girl they think should win. After they have come to their decision awards will be given to the girls that won. The losers get nothing. I think that's it so let's get started! The first contestant is Rangiku Matsumoto!"

Rangiku walked out onto the stage wearing a short, tight skirt, a tight, low cut t-shirt, and a pair of heels. She was also carrying an opened bottle of sake.

Gin, sitting at the table for the judges, poked the other judges and whispered, "That's my girl," and smiled ever wider.

"Hey everyone," Rangiku said, "So he just told you but I'm Rangiku Matsumoto and I should win this contest. My talent is that I look good in anything." When she said this she ripped off all of her clothes to reveal a very tiny bikini. Kyoraku, Gin, and most of the other men in the room started to nosebleed when they saw her.

Toshiro, though, started blushing and began to, not for the first time, question the wisdom of letting Rangiku be a lieutenant in his squad. "That's classy of her," he sarcastically mumbled.

Rangiku winked at the audience, blew a kiss to Gin, and walked off stage. Enthusiastic clapping from all of the men followed her.

Once the applause stopped Urahara said, "Well I don't know how anyone will follow that up. That was something else. Let me just say that from here I had a really nice view." At this comment there was some pointed coughing from Kaname Tosen's direction. Urahara, not wanting a lecture about inappropriateness and justice, quickly continued. "Anyways the next girl is Momo Hinamori."

"Hi everyone! I'm Momo and my talent is that I look like Captain Aizen." After Momo said this she walked out onto the stage wearing her shinigami outfit with Aizen's captain coat. She was also wearing a pair of his glasses and had her hair styled like his. All in all she looked like a mini version of Aizen.

No one moved or made a noise. Finally Urahara broke the awkward silence by saying, "That's one of the creepiest things I have ever seen in my life and that's saying something because I used to be captain of the twelfth division."

"Wait that's not all," Momo said. Then, in a perfect impression of Aizen's voice, she said, "Hello I am Aizen. My goal is to conquer the world." Momo giggled and then said, in her normal voice, "Just kidding. Aizen would never take over the world. He's too nice."

In the audience Aizen started laughing ominously until he noticed everyone staring at him. "Oh. Um. I'm laughing because I thought that was a good performance. Not because I have any intention of taking over the world," Aizen quickly said.

"Ok then. Moving right along. Momo how about you go now and we let the next girl come out," Urahara said awkwardly.

From backstage a very male voice yelled, "I'm next!" Then Yumichika Ayasegawa skipped out onto the stage. He was wearing skinny jeans and a very feminine shirt.

"Yumichika I hate to tell you this but the MISS Soul Society Contest is for women. So unless you have a confession to make you can't be a part of it," Urahara said in the voice you use when you're talking to either a very stupid person or a kindergartener.

"Well. I don't see why gender matters. I'm obviously the most beautiful person here so I should win anyways," Yumichika said, obviously offended by Urahara's tone of voice.

"Look I'm going to ask you nicely to leave and if you don't I'm going to lock you in a room with Yachiru and give her candy. So you probably should go now," Urahara said threateningly.

At this Yumichika ran away screaming like a girl and yelling, "No! Anything but that!"

"Sorry for the interruption. Now we're going to take a short break to make sure the rest of the contestants are girls," Urahara said as he tried to get the contest back on track.

**AN: Hi again! Please review! Also there will be more so tell me if there's anyone that you want to see in the contest.**


	2. A Stalker in the Contest?

**AN: I still don't own Bleach. Also** **please review! I'll love you forever if you do!**

"We're back now. Sorry about the break but it was needed. It turns out that Gin had dressed Kira in drag and was forcing him too compete in the contest," Urahara said.

Gin smiled wider and gave the audience a thumbs up. "Aw you took him out?" He said to Urahara. Then he turned back to the audience and said, "Y'all know you wanted to see it."

This comment was met with Kenpachi yelling, "Hell yeah!" and many of the other squad eleven members saying similar things.

"That was not the reaction to this I expected. Anyways. Our next contestant is Kiyone Kotetsu," Urahara said in a loud voice to stop squad eleven's talking. "Kiyone why don't you just come on stage now.'

Kiyone skipped out onto the stage. She looked really cute today. She was wearing a nice blue dress and her hair had a white ribbon in it. "Ok so today I'm going to prove that I love- I mean appreciate Captain Ukitake more than Sentaro does," Kiyone said.

"The rules of the contest were that you have to do something interesting. I hate to say it but is this going to be interesting for anyone other than Sentaro and Ukitake?" Urahara cautiously asked.

"Of course! Just listen. So to prove it I'll tell you all about my captain. His birthday is December 21. He is six foot two and weighs 159 pounds…" Ten minutes of Kiyone's stalker facts later, "Well that's everything about Captian Ukitake! See that proves that I appreciate him most."

"That was… Wonderful. I especially liked the part about his favorite boxers being the ones with pink hearts that Kyoraku gave him," Urahara said as he tried to hold in a laugh.

Kyoraku saw Urahara trying not to laugh so he stood up and started yelling at him. "It's not funny! And it's nothing like that! I gave them to Ukitake on his birthday as a joke," By this point Kyoraku was blushing. He noticed everyone staring at him so he quickly said, "Hey isn't Rukia Kuchiki the next contestant. It's your turn now. Good luck Rukia!"

"Yes good luck Rukia," Gin echoed, in the creepiest voice imaginable. Then he blew a kiss toward the stage.

"Stupid! If you would open your eyes for once you'd see she's not on stage," Toshiro told Gin. He normally wouldn't get involved but he was getting very aggravated at this entire contest so he didn't care anymore.

"So she didn't see me blow her a kiss?" Gin asked. "But that was the best part! It would have freaked her out and she probably wouldn't have been able to stay on the stage."

"I'm starting to wonder if it was a good decision to let Gin be a judge here. Actually I'm wondering of it was a good idea to let him within a hundred feet of this competition," Urahara said, "First he dressed Kira in drag, then he torments poor Rukia. What's next?"

Before Gin could reply, thank goodness, Rukia walked out onto the stage wearing one of her signature dresses. This dress was blue with light purple flowers. "Hi everyone! My talent is drawing so I drew some pictures before I came here," Rukia said, "All the pictures are really cute so I think you guys will like them." Then she pulled out her infamous sketchbook.

Every member of the audience let out a groan and hoped that she hadn't drawn much. "So first is this really cute picture of Chappy. He's making a heart with his paws. Isn't that adorable? Next is another picture of Chappy, but in this one-" Then Rukia was cut off by Ichigo.

"Shut up. Just shut up. No one cares about your crappy drawings," As Ichigo was talking he jumped up onto the stage and began to drag Rukia off of it. He continued, "I'm taking you out of the competition and I'm going to burn all of your drawings. Got it?" Ichigo kept talking and walked of into the distance with Rukia.

Two weeks later they crawled back to Soul Society bruised and bloodied. They were saying things that didn't make sense like, "The quincies. The quincies will kill us all. So scary." Everyone decided that they had gone a little crazy from being all alone with each other and had hallucinated quincies. This seemed like the only possible explanation because everyone knew that Uryu Ishida was the last of the quincies. There were no more in the world. Right?


	3. A Killer in the Contest?

**AN: Sorry it's been so long! I totally forgot that I was writing this when school started. Please enjoy the new chapter!**

"Alrighty our next contestant is Miss Yoruichi Shihoin. I'm pretty sure she isn't a part of Soul Society though. Does that mean she shouldn't compete? Wait never mind if she can't compete I shouldn't be hosting. Just kidding. I didn't say anything. Come on out Yoruichi," Urahara said while waving his fan.

A solid black cat walked out onto the stage. Urahara stared at it for a few long seconds and finally said, "I really hope that your talent doesn't involve changing back into a person because when you do that there's a small problem with keeping clothes on. Now normally I would love to see you naked but there are children here. Just look at Toshiro."

"That's Captain Hitsugaya to you!" he yelled from the judges' table.

"Oh just give it up already. The more you tell people to stop calling you things the more they want to call you it. So just shut up so I can see Yoruichi naked!" Kyoraku yelled.

"Really you two? You're more childish than I am," Gin Ichimaru said, "Wait no that's a lie. I take it back. Now Yoruichi never said I she was going to be naked. Everyone made that up. I think she should be though. She would win for sure. Pretty please be naked."

From backstage a very large bottle of sake was thrown and hit Gin directly in the head. "That's what you get for being a player and an asshole. Stop being a perv and judge the contest like you're supposed to,"Rangiku yelled.

"Can everyone just calm down!" Yoruichi yelled in her man voice. "My talent was just that I look like a cat. I think that's a good enough talent. I, unlike most of you, don't need to rely on my looks to win these kinds of things." Most of this was a lie. Yoruichi had been planning to turn into a human on stage but after seeing the commotion it would have caused she decided against it. No one needed to know this though. I mean really, what you don't know won't hurt you.

"Well if that was it I guess you can leave now Yoruichi. We really should keep the contest moving forward. It's lasting way too long," Urahara said to try to end all of the weirdness. "Next contestant is Yachiru Kusajishi!"

Yachiru skipped out onto the stage in a frilly pink princess costume with a crown and everything. She smiled and said to the audience, "I'm Yachiru and I should win for sure because I'm the cutest girl here and I have the bestest talent ever! My talent is that Ken-chan can kill all of you if I don't win!"

"I never said that but I'll still fight you if you say Yachiru's not the best," Kenpachi said from the audience.

"Well I'm not in the mood to fight so I guess Yachiru wins the contest," Kyoraku said.

"I think it should be Rangiku that wins," Gin said to Kyoraku. When he saw the evil eye he was getting from Yachiru he added, "Also I'm pretty confidant that I can outrun Kenpachi. I've had a lot of practice."

Toshiro just sat at the judges' table and hopped that the stupid contest would be over soon. He was really regretting agreeing to be a judge for the contest. Thankfully that was all of the contestants. The only thing left was to decide on a winner but that seemed like it would be very difficult since Kyoraku and Gin were involved.


End file.
